Not Nice Spice
I think everyone knows someone who you would readily deem a powerhouse. Rena is exactly that—she is determined to let God lead even when it doesn’t seem to go according to plan. I met Rena through a health and wellness group my sister in law runs. Even via social media Rena exuded a light from within and a good dose of humor through her authenticity. Rena’s birth story of her daughter Daisy shows that the road to motherhood doesn’t have just bumps and turns; sometimes it takes us onto a completely new street altogether. But the beauty isn’t always found in expected places. ![]() Our little girl was years in the making. When we were first engaged, we immediately started talking about starting a family. We decided on having as many kids as there were stones in my wedding ring, five. We dreamt and talked about names, gender, and just being a big family. However, after saying “I do” life and reality happened. We spent time trying to figure out jobs, finances, continuing education, and figuring out how to just be married. Soon years past and there definitely didn’t seem to be any pitter patter of little feet coming anytime soon. In January of 2011, I started nursing school for my LPN. My husband had graduated the previous summer with his associates in Electronics and now it was my turn to go. It was easy to not think about kids with going to school full time and working almost full time. Yet 2011 was one of the toughest and most defining years in our marriage. It was slowly falling apart. We also ended up having to move in with his mother. It was while I was in school learning about mental health, that I realized my husband was suering from depression. God directed us to all the right people. We had a doctor that was able to pin point the depression and get my husband to accept help without a huge fight. Then our counselor within our second session brought up my husband's mental health. It turns out she strongly believed he had undiagnosed Autism; Aspergers. He quickly got some testing done that confirmed her hunch. As happy as we were to get his diagnosis, it also meant we were starting over. I had to learn a whole new language in many ways. We had to start all over learning to communicate. My husband finally felt relief having an actual name to the why’s he’s carried all his life, nonetheless he also decided he no longer wanted to have children. He felt he wouldn’t be able to be fully there for kids and would struggle to relate to them and handle his own emotions. Everything now surrounded his disability. My heart broke into a million pieces, but I let all further discussion go. I brought my heartbreak to God instead. I knew I was meant to be a mom. I didn’t know how, but I just believed God would change my husband’s mind. Secretly I bought baby things believing in faith I’d actually use them one day. In the meantime I just kept praying. About 2 1/2 years later, coming home from visiting family in NY for Christmas, he said he was ready to try for a baby. I was so happy I wasn’t driving because I would’ve gone othe road! The next day I ditched my birth control and focused on getting healthy. I lost almost 50 lbs and within 5 months of actively trying we got pregnant! I loved almost every moment of being pregnant. The feeling of life moving inside me, talking to my little girl, praying with my little girl, and imagining what she’d be like. I did end up having to be considered high risk when they found a grape fruit sized fibroid at 15 weeks. I didn’t let it deter me. Even when the talk of c-section got brought up more and more . I still had hope for a vaginal delivery. In my 38th week I went in for a routine ultrasound only to be told the doctor looked at my chart and I needed to deliver by c-section the next week. I went from having a few more weeks before becoming a mom to 6 days! Somehow I was able to get everything in order with my job even though I was literally finishing paperwork up until 1 am on my delivery date! My mom had come up that week to be there for the birth and to help out with the baby. We held up a cute onesie a friend gave us that said “AS SEEN ON ULTRASOUND” and took one last picture as a family of two. We drove the hour to the hospital and talked and prayed on the way. It all seemed unreal. In the hospital there was papers to sign and prep to be done. I think because I had a nursing background, I didn’t feel as nervous. My husband on the other hand was a wreck. He was all nerves to the point where the nurses left me to get him juice and crackers as we waited for the OR to be ready. They wheeled me into the cold sterile room looking like a science project. They had to take extra precautions due to my fibroid. I was relieved to see the female doctor I preferred for the procedure. She was wonderful and tried to distract me while they put the spinal in. She held and squeezed my hands as they had trouble getting it in. She was such a calming presence at an unknown time. They laid me back down and began to make sure the meds were kicking in. Then my husband was walked in only to be walked right back out. The moment he saw me on the operating table, he got pale and he wasn't safe to be in the room. Instead they got him a chair, more crackers and juice and he could peek through the little window. Shortly after the meds fully kicked in, I began to have an overwhelming feeling of suocating. I felt like I couldn’t breath. I had O2 on and they even increased it, but I still felt like I was slowly drowning. Thankfully it only lasted five minutes, but it was the longest five minutes of my life! Immediately following, I vomited. I was so thankful for being able to still verbally communicate my needs and nurses were quick to attend to me. Hoping it was smooth sailing from there, I unfortunately started to have my carpal tunnel flare up. I had experienced terrible carpal for the last half of the pregnancy, spending most days in hand splints. However, at that moment it felt like my left hand was literally burning. The anesthesiologist upped my medication as much as he was able, but after that there was nothing more he could do. I was blessed with a wonderful nurse who spent the rest of the procedure trying to massage my hand and alternate with hot and cold. She did everything and anything she could to help me feel better. Finally, the doctor announced she could see the baby and she had a ton of hair! The doctor pulled her out and she let me know they’d soon start stitching. I was relieved, but quickly realized I hadn’t heard my baby cry yet. The statried to keep me calm, but I knew something wasn’t right. It turned out she had swallowed amniotic fluid and they were actually reviving her. When I heard her finally cry it was the most beautiful moment and sound I’ve ever experienced. I was a ball of emotions. My mind was racing and I couldn’t focus on one thing. Suddenly they brought her swaddled up to me to see and told me I’d have to say goodbye for a while. She needed to be rushed to the NICU. I didn’t have time to study her face, hold her hand, or caress the head of this little girl I waited 9 months to see. Her face looked confused, as well as mine too. They wheeled me afterwards to my room. I was still in excruciating pain with my hand, immobilized from the medication, but lucid enough to keep asking about my baby. I was told I couldn’t go see her safely until the medication wore oand I could regain feeling in my lower half. It was so emotionally heart wrenching to know my baby was 50 feet away and there was nothing I could do except wait. I came to the hospital that morning with uncertainty only to hours latter having that be replaced with even more uncertainty. My husband and I tried to pray and lean on each other, but it just ended up being lots of tears and inaudible sounds. Of course everyone wanted updates and we had a limited amount of information to give. Instead of rejoicing on the phone with family and friends, we were organizing a prayer chain. I made it clear I didn’t want anyone at the hospital for the time being. This was time only meant for my husband and I. Hours later, now into the evening I was able to get into a wheelchair and go to the NICU. My heart broke and my husband sobbed as we saw her for the first time in an incubator. She had so many tubes and wires attached to her. We couldn’t hold her to comfort her. We couldn’t hold her to tell her we were mom and dad and how much we wanted to never let her go. I only got to put my hand in the opening and rub her hand and face. I tried to be strong, especially since my husband was falling apart, but it was a struggle to stay positive. It would be 5 days of visiting the NICU to see my little girl. We decided it’d be best for my husband to work half days instead of using full days owork. There was nothing we could do for large amounts of time except wait for the next feeding and visiting time. I was left alone for large chunks of time with my thoughts. I tried to find something to focus on to keep my hopes high and stay positive for my little girl and my husband. On the 4th day it would be my last insurance would allow. The stacould see our hearts breaking at the thought of going an hour home without our baby. The head nurse later came in the room and said they’d let me stay another day. They just wouldn’t legally be able to do anything for me because I wouldn’t technically be a patient. I hugged her and cried some more. It was one of the most generous things anyone had ever done for me. The night I did have to go home, I couldn’t sleep. I’d wake up in the middle of the night and call the NICU for an update. The NICU nurses were so kind and also my child’s biggest advocates. The entire NICU stay, they kept pushing the doctors to let my baby try to get oof some of the machines. With their persistence they were successful. I’ll never forget being able to see her complete face without tubes taped in place. She was beautiful and I felt so blessed. On the 6th day, we got up super early and drove the hour back to the hospital. We made it to the NICU doors and were greeted by the on call doctor. She smiled at us and said “Do you want to take your baby home today?”. I couldn’t verbally respond and instead sobbed. She looked confused and asked my husband if she did something wrong. I quickly told her no she didn’t and hugged her. It seemed like we couldn’t get discharged quick enough. Everything seemed to be going in slow motion. Yet, finally we got baby Daisy in the car seat and stawalked with us to the main entrance. We got her securely into the car and then it all really seemed unreal. They were really going to let us leave with her. Reality set in. She was now our full responsibility. I was scared, nervous, excited, terrified, overjoyed, and an entire thesaurus of emotions. However I’ve never been truly happier. God had brought us through so much in our marriage, our journey to start a family, the delivery, and through the NICU. She was our miracle baby and we finally had her all to ourselves.
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Kate FrancesWhen you don't know what else to do, then it's time to write. Then write a little while longer for good measure. Archives
February 2020
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