Not Nice Spice
There is nothing more valuable than having a spouse that can see right through you. When two people join together and there isn’t something hidden or there aren’t experiences that have been twisted into a specific dialogue then there is the possibility to experience the joy of love. It’s simply two people, joined together, raw, honest and living truly loving lives. Stud and I have come to realize in the last few years that nearly every couple we know keep their lives compartmentalized—information to share with general people, personal information to share with family, some intimate information to share with my spouse, and information that you wouldn’t share with God himself. On our own journeys of personal healing, we’ve acknowledged that the more things are kept solely to oneself the more harm it does. Often we do this thinking we are preventing hurt— towards ourselves or those around us. Instead, we create an environment of shame, deceit, and manipulation. Any relationship (romantic or platonic) should have a basis in love; a love that is unconditional, all encompassing and forever welcoming. The notion of holding something back, within a deeply personal relationship, is such a sham that it quickly creates a web. We now begin to tip-toe, dance around, talk in circles, talk above the surface, not talk at all; resulting in relationships that are so close physically but far away in every other sense.
Stud and I talked about this after hearing a sermon in church the other day that touched on this very notion. I’ve come to realize that the past can hurt in ways that cannot be perceived. The decisions and choices we’ve made before we met plays a part in who we are today. Sadly, it’s not the catchy rhyme of sticks and stones or what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. If fact the very opposite is true. Speaking truth makes you stronger even when it’s disappointing, breaks our disillusionment, or appears to be soul crushing because love cannot exist without forgiveness. Love is not a euphoric-state, it is not a beautiful existence, nor is it glorified memories. Love is patientwhen we are working through baggage; when we are beginning to trust again. Love is kindwhen we naturally want to dish what people deserve. Love does not envywhen we only see the façade of others; when we make assumptions. Love does not boast and is not proudwhen we find success and triumphs, while others find struggle after struggle with no avail. Love is not rude and it is not self-seekingthough we could easily push past others instead of standing in solidarity with them. Love is not easily angeredeven when justified time and time again. Love keeps no record of wrongsbecause there is nothing to change about the past. Love does not delight in evilthough manipulation deems it justifiable. Love rejoices with the truthwhen we bare with one another the depths of our hearts, no matter the ugliness, the preconceptions, or the despair. Love always protectswhen we are so readily prepared to fight with our hurt in hand. Love always trustsno matter how small the belief may be rooted. Love always hopeseven when heartache comes day after day and our plan does not unfold on our time. Love always persevereswhen we are told lies of worthlessness. Love never failswhen we realize that the love we are capable of is so much greater because the love we have been given is beyond understanding. Stud and I quite literally tell each other everything. For one, we are the worst at keeping secrets; and two, past mistakes have taught us that the longer the time between information and conversation the worse the hurt. Kept information doesn’t allow couples or relationships to join together and it becomes oil that causes people to slip further and further apart. While we were dating Stud thought that sharing just enough informationmeant that he was being upfront and keeping a clear conscious, while in reality he was creating a barrier held together by white lies, shame and guilt. In the end that’s what tried to break us—a barrier so big that we lived in its shadow until one day the only thing to do was knock it down. Not chip away at it, not wait for the right moment to have a cinematic scene, not create a path around it or build a bridge over it. Lack of vulnerability in a relationship is a lack of love. Love can say, “Hey, I did some shady stuff and I’m wrecked over it.” BUT love also responds with rolling up sleeves to do real life, with compassion even if there isn’t understanding— and the ability to build up trust again. It goes without question that there are certain deal breakers in relationships and many relationships are meant to last for a moment. But when we were asked for the first time, “Do you want to be together? With everything you know, do you want to be married to this person?”the answer could only be YES if we put on love and allowed ourselves to see right through each other, beyond the beautiful manicure we lead with and right to experiences we’d rather block out altogether. The result? The instant we said, “Yes,”was the very instant we both felt truly loved by each other. Also, incredibly scared and on edge; but mostly overwhelmed by the notion that we could both say to each other the infamous, “We need to talk,”and not be completely anxious. There isn’t a secret blemish festering (gross, but accurate!) that is going to one-day ruin this fanciful notion we had playing out. We’re already living our life to the fullest and loving each other exactly where we’re at and who we are becoming.
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Kate FrancesWhen you don't know what else to do, then it's time to write. Then write a little while longer for good measure. Archives
February 2020
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