Not Nice Spice
This has been our new normal. For quite a few weeks now. Every morning we wake up, go to the bathroom, brush our teeth, and get dressed- shirt, underwear, pants, socks, and tears. We're all exhausted. No sleep, poor sleep, short naps, no naps and running around at every random hour. Amidst scheduling chaos and weary eyes it dawned on me that Chickadee starts soccer the same time and day as my Bible study. These are not in and of themselves catastrophic problems, but mothering mounts up. Little people with big emotions- is there truly a single adjective that will accurately encompass all of the polar opposite emotions bursting forth? Since I couldn't meet, I sat down earlier this week and jotted this note out: Some encouragement from Ruth in chapter 5: Page 73 "... when you’re weary mama... lacking energy and wisdom" The last few weeks have been brutal as a mom. I’m interviewing for a mother’s helper this week. There’s chaos seemingly every minute. My two year old can only scream everything all the time. Deafening. Ear bleeding. And for sure I scream back, but lately I don’t even have the energy to do that. I just start crying in front of him. But not for long because I have my four year old who is going through a cat phase. She used to be a tiger, which is where Mr Scream-o got the joy sucking volume from. So now we have a meow, meow, meow, meow for EVERYTHING. Sometimes licking and walking in figure eights around my ankles. Kill me. Nothing like pestering repetition when I’m maxed out. I just want a few minutes of peace. It doesn’t even have to be quiet. The cat and the screamer go at it- wrestling, tackling, biting and a good roundhouse kick to the face. How do they know how to wrestle when all they watch is PBS?! It feels like there is literally NO REST and especially not for the weary. And weary is mild. Yesterday morning I was mad bc my husband left me with the baby all night. And then we just about died because I had in fact given him the baby and he slept in his crib a good portion of the night (for once!!!!!). Clearly I’m functioning on autopilot. And then there’s all the joy of other life happenings (feel that sarcasm?). I love the Mother Theresa quote Ruth uses here: If you want to change the world go home and love your family. Why is it the people who we’ve known the longest can hurt us the deepest? Why is there pain where there should be love? For me, I’ve learned, ever so slowly, that these things swirling around are merely reminders that there is “none but Jesus.” It reminds me that I cannot be responsible for other people ‘s choices, I cannot help everyone even if I have the means, I cannot pull someone along. But God can. And he does. In his own time. Not mine. I started a new thing this week. Well, it’s only Tuesday so I’m hitting that consistency hard (HA!). After breakfast I set the kitchen timer and I tell the kids to play. It’s 20 minutes of Bible time. To open the tangible breath of God and grasp even just a small portion. Yesterday all I needed was part of a verse and I was crying. God made it clear in 2 seconds how much he loves me even though I had undoubtedly won “the world’s most agitated mom” award. I asked, “Where should I read?” “Psalms. They’re sweet. Your spirit needs to be reminded of it’s sweetness. The sweetness you pray over your children each night. The sweetness you claim for everyone else. You can ask for yourself, too.” And so I “randomly” opened my Bible to the Psalms: Psalm 23 The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. I only needed to get to the first syllable of ‘shepherd’ before being a puddle. Deep from my gut. The depths of my soul that I said, “Not right now,” to because there were things I had to take care of. As a mom and wife that’s true. But I’m not a mom or wife just because of my kids or spouse— I’m in that relationship, too. I need to take care of myself, and not just the physical necessities. My spiritual and emotional ones are just as vital. And I was in starvation mode. So there I was undone. And, no, I didn’t go on to have a “happy mommy” kind of day. No, it didn’t change my children’s behavior. No, it didn’t give me a Hallmark Channel at Christmas time husband. But it gave me permission to chip away at the crud on my heart. A tortoise coming out of hibernation. Still loaded with thick heavy mud on my back. But I’m moving. I’m striving. Going towards the hand of God. And he holds my hand ever so sweetly. Patiently. At just the right moment. Sent from my iPhone Here I am at the end of the week. I managed 4 of the 5 days. I purposefully filled my soul. Things changed. After a week of explaining why you cannot kick people in the face, shove people to the ground, smother your brother, rip your sister's hair out; after a week of all of that with all of tending to my depths, we had Thursday. So sweet. Still with a few tears, but they were tender now. Still more peeing in the middle of the floor and dancing in it, while the baby bathes me in barf and the threenager melts because someone is breathing her air. I was still rushing to appointments, desperately trying to get a 9 month old to poop, and we still swirl in some form of chaos. But not without wisdom. Not without unconditional love. Not without the light of his grace. I found the freedom in changing my focus, and it's made all the difference.
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Kate FrancesWhen you don't know what else to do, then it's time to write. Then write a little while longer for good measure. Archives
February 2020
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