Not Nice Spice
Stud and I repeatedly have a simple conversation along the lines of: You get everything you ever want! And he DOES! It’s laughable mostly, but after a while it’s easily an irritation. It doesn’t seem to matter what it is either— a new iPad, Fitbit, latest iPhone, and even big things, like how he decided we needed to buy a house and the exact house he wanted came on the market. When he decides he needs something it happens! Honestly he never actually must have an item, but the item is set in his mind and BAM there it is! Well, in all my pregnancy hormones I decide that this was such B.S! I couldn’t take it anymore; and not for selfish reasons. So I legitimately changed my mindset. I allowed myself to open my heart and mind to value myself as God does. He doesn't make first class men and then place women over on the way side. The entirety of the world was NOT complete with us ladies. I put myself on a pedestal not because I'm so wonderful (good Lord, I have faults!); I put myself on a pedestal because I am a leader in my family. Because I should value myself in the same way I tell my two year old to value herself. And I kid you not things have started changing. I genuinely thought I had bought some crappy Nikes, until Stud asked me, “Didn’t you buy those THREE years ago?” Okay, so the tears showing through and my achy feet weren’t my imagination. He says he'll get me new shoes. Yeah, okay, buddy! Well a few days later Stud gets yet another award at work (Bravo!) and hands over the $100 Nike gift card he won. A few days after that my absolute dream dinning room table was listed for sale in my local community group and I purchased and had it delivered for less than $100! I was completely dumbfounded, because I had not sought these things out but they had been on my mind a while. And now just this morning a mama from my crunchy moms group offered me her sewing machine… for free!!! Did I need any of these things, nope! Do I have the finances to purchase these items at my leisure, sure do! Would I ever actually purchase them, no freaking way! I always think for one pair of new Nikes I could buy two or three for the kids. For the price of the overpriced dinning table we could take a little family vacation. I mean it’s not as if we don’t already have a dinning table! Why do I need a new sewing machine when I already have one (albeit that it jams and sends me into a mechanical frenzy)? But this is what I have become overwhelmingly aware of on my motherhood journey—putting myself last doesn’t mean I’m putting my family first. It just means that the leadership (Stud and I) are completely out of sorts. No fault of his! Rather my well meaning thinking that has quite possibly put me in the worst of situations. It’s a fast slope for mothers to move from humility to destruction. We start off thinking we are helping our families by humbling ourselves and putting others before ourselves; when sadly we are just taking from ourselves and never replenishing or repairing the pieces missing from us.
I have no doubt Stud will continue to get things important to him. And now I can wholeheartedly say the same for this mama. My mindset has shifted to recognize that there are things moms need even though they seem trivial. Saying YES to myself doesn’t mean that I am saying no to others. Just not right now.
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Kate FrancesWhen you don't know what else to do, then it's time to write. Then write a little while longer for good measure. Archives
February 2020
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